Who copied who? | Selangor Times
Issue 118


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Who copied who?
Writer: Patrick Teoh
Published: Fri, 06 May 2011

By the time you read this the good folks in the little red dot, Singapore, would have been to the polls and either a) elected the almost all-powerful PAP again as their government of choice, or b) elected a much younger, more change-oriented government from one of the opposition parties like The Workers Party or the Singapore Democratic Party.

Of course, if you are a realistic Singaporean or an interested Malaysian, you would put your money on the PAP retaining their stronghold on the reins of government in one of the most successful countries in the world.

Now, the reason why I decided to start this column by writing about Singapore? A few days ago I received a message from a Singaporean senior citizen who was quite amused that for the first time in election history the PAP dished out free nasi lemak to all the attendees at one of the PAP rallies.

This caused me to reflect that things were beginning to feel quite similar to what our election tactics are like here in Malaysia. You know, freebies given out during run-ups to elections.

Although we seem to be able to do it with much better style la. They only give out free nasi lemak. We give out free Tupperware and fully loaded goodie bags that are said to contain large ang-pows, depending which constituency you’re in. Oh and don’t forget the new community halls and elections here in Bolehland were all copied from THEM!

What? How can? What tokking you man? No meh? the Singaporean asked.

Take a look at what your leaders do. You think we copied this “give them stuff only when elections are near” system from you?

No la. You copied from us. You see ah, I give you one example. If my HDB flat is in a PAP-controlled area, I get regular upgrading works. New lifts, new paint jobs, improved void-deck facilities etc. But if it was in an opposition-controlled area I don’t get lor.

Also, opposition-area HDB prices will be just so slightly lower than PAP ones. Even if they are just across the road from each other. You all also same, right? Opposition states don’t get federal funds for building schools, roads, water treatment plants etc.

And then now I notice that your leaders always threaten you flers, right? Recently, your prime minister even said that you Chinese flers if don’t vote for BN will have no representation in government. And then you all sure die one.

Over here we have been threatened so often by you-know-who that we are quite used to it now. Even recently he said if we vote opposition we will have five years to suffer and then we shall surely repent one. Ya la, he used the word repent some more.

Your YBs also like that right? But maybe they don’t say REPENT la cos your English not so good, right? But same thing lor.

But I suppose there is something that maybe our PAP flers learn from you all la. I remember reading somewhere that during elections, general elections or by-elections, your BN people provide transport for supporters one, right?

Like they bus in people from all over the place. Even when they are not voters in that area. Just to make show and intimidate (this a big word I know and learn from young. I am Singaporean ma) the other flers. And then I am told that sometimes your flers even recruit supporters from beyond the grave hor? That one I must tabik you all la. We have not learn that one yet.

But this time our PAP flers also provide transport for supporters leh. Last time, when they more confident time – okay la I wanted to say arrogant but they might be keeping tab on me lor – they all say, “Ha? Want to come to rally ah? Take MRT la.”

But this time they say, “Come, come we have air-con coach for you. Never mind you from Ang Mo Kio and this coach is going to Aljuneid, come la. Show support. Some more got free nasi lemak.”

I am told that your flers always want to play race card during election time, right? That one also you learn from us one what. Ya what. You think you all invent one ah? It’s from our Senile … I mean Senior Minister one last time. The fler tell us if Chinese don’t have enough hor, then Singapore sure cannot tahan one. You flers use the same tactic right? Only different race lor.

Another thing that we are same is the big money that all our YBs (of course we don’t call them that la) earn. Did you know that our PM earns eight times more than the president of the USA ah?
Your YBs don’t earn that kind of salary la, but we all know they all also damn rich, right? We are told that our flers get paid big money because it keeps them away from corruption lor.

I think your people tell you that they are rich because their family members, sons, daughters, wives all damn good business people ma. Just because they are in politics doesn’t mean their talented family members cannot do business ma. Can right?

Actually hor, we all are so same same in so many ways la. Our young flers all want to see change. They say the old flers have had it their way for too long already and that things are not fair in this little red dot. So they go out and campaign and hope to win for change.

But our older people are just like yours. We all every time say, “Hiyah! Waffor want to change? Waffor rock the boat. Ok what.

Can earn living. Some more got no earthquakes and tornadoes. And the food here is damn good ma.”

And I think just like in your place, the old flers outnumber the younger ones or are about the same. So the old flers vote to stay same same and then they also convince some of the young ones to say WAFFOR. And so the results also same-same lor. Or like you say, sama-sama.

(The above was written while totally under the influence of non-alcoholic beverages)


 Selangor Times



Also by Patrick Teoh:

Quit the wishy-washy themes

few weeks ago my daughter who lives in Singapore sent me the link to a Singapore National Day promo video. 

It has to be bleep, bleep and bleep!

When I first coined the word “Niamah!” a lot of people asked me what it meant. Well, for those of you who don’t speak Cantonese, when spoken aloud the word means your mom.

Malaysia a safe country: The spinning goes on

The morning newspaper had on the front page a story about security in housing estates. How foreign guards are better than local ones. How illegal foreigners are getting jobs as security guards. How if we pay peanuts we get monkeys as security for our family and property.

Those damn illegal parkers

By the time you sit down to read this, the memories of Bersih 3.0 would be more than two weeks old. But I’ll bet that people will still be talking about the rally. Exchanging experiences. Telling some tall tales.

Transforming to what?

Just a few days ago I was driving past the Umno building in Kuala Lumpur. It was raining and the infamous bottle-neck traffic jam in that area of the city was worse than normal. I was stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic right beside the Umno building.

Absurd cost of … everything

Well, Valentine’s Day has come and gone. Along with the perennial, prerequisite hoo-hah that accompanies it.

End of the world?

In just a couple more weeks the Year of the Dragon is going to roll in. For the Chinese flers it is always an extra-auspicious period of the Chinese Lunar calendar. So what we can expect this Chinese New Year is an even more garish display of the colours gold and red in the shopping malls. Actually, the incessant Chinese New Year musak is already playing endlessly. Petaling Street vendors are going to drag on their sales of made-in-China new year “must-haves” until the last minute of the 15th day of the Lunar New Year of the Dragon.

Your right, my right, and all the ‘goreng’

In just a couple of weeks it will be the new year. Yes, 2012. Another year. But as with every new year for the past decade, I would say we Malaysians step rather tentatively into the next 365-day period.

Time to take the wheel

For a very long time now there has been almost complete anarchy on Malaysian roads. There appear to be no laws governing traffic, nor does there appear to be anyone bothered to obey them if there were. I am sure you see, as I do, on a daily basis motorcycles and motorcars ignoring red lights, double lines and stop signs.

Come on, get happy!

The past couple of weeks has been sort of tough. On the old brain I mean. Mine. Having to remember lines from a script that is not exactly Shakespearean quality and having to say them while moving around without knocking into the furniture on stage. Things were so stressful that I missed the big event of the month: the announcement of the Budget by the prime minister!

Manifestoes un-manifest

Last month I attended a fundraising dinner for a political party. For an opposition party la. When have we ever heard of the ruling coalition ever needing to organise a FUND-raising party? No, right? No need what. Fund-giving got la. Especially near elections time. But I digress.

Conditional love…?

JUST a few days ago a friend of mine sent me a Tweet message in which she referred to Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak as our Conditional Prime Minister. I laughed out loud when I received that. What a wonderfully apt description of the man, I thought.

The Great Clean-Up

For the past week or more the whole of the Klang Valley has been quavering with excitement, fear, anger, frustration and maybe a little despair.People have been arrested. Threats have been issued by both government and normally level-headed Malaysians. Balai Polis stores are bulging at the seams from overstocking of bright yellow t-shirts which everybody wants but cannot have. After all they’re perfectly good shirts. 100% cotton some more.

Harsh realities of this flawed paradise

As we turn the corner and head for the second half of 2011, things sure ain’t looking that hunky-dory. My family and I enjoyed a few days in the remote beaches of Cherating, Pahang. Those four carefree days of rushing waves and gentle breezes and oh-so-calming peace and quiet were elixirs for the much-stressed average Malaysian soul.

He who laughs last…

As I sit down to write this a lot of funny things are happening in my country. Sex scandals. Snap elections threats. Detailed explanations of when a Bribe is not a Bribe but a Gift.











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