Cheras Scousers, religion and nose-picking | Selangor Times
Friday
24·03·2017
Issue 118

 

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Cheras Scousers, religion and nose-picking
Writer: Lord Bobo
Published: Fri, 19 Aug 2011

Lord Bobo, the English Premier League has started! Are you as excited as most of us are? What do you think of Liverpool’s chances of reliving our glory days? Born & Bred Scouser, via email

HIS Supreme Eminenceness shares the excitement of his minions in all aspects of their lives, and this includes football.

However, Lord Bobo doesn’t regularly watch football, English or otherwise. There is something about being all-knowing that takes away from the excitement and drama of watching Manchester United come from 2-0 down to win 3-2 with a last-minute winner.

Lord Bobo also doesn’t quite understand the tribalism and fanaticism that many Malaysian football fans indulge it when it comes to teams which are located across the globe. Recently, when Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool came to Kuala Lumpur to play Malaysia, it was reported that some Malaysian fans didn’t even cheer for the national team. Which is kind of strange. We don’t think it is too much of a stretch to say that you, “Born & Bred Scouser”, have in fact never been to Liverpool, and are actually born and bred in Cheras or something.

As for Liverpool’s chances, hey, you should know better than to ask that. Lord Bobo is, as always nonpartisan in all things (though we do like a party, son).

Dear Lord Bobo, does a religion need defending? JT, via email

IN Malaysia these days, defending religions appears to have become one of the hottest fads among politicians, both in the mainstream and the margins. Lord Bobo reckons it could be a by-product of all the comic and superhero movies that have been released non-stop over the past decade.

Everyone wants to be a superhero, and what could be more heroic than defending God? If politicians had it their way, they would probably go around with a cape, wear their underwear over spandex tights, with a big “R” logo on their chests – Religion Man!

But anyway, since politicians are known for doing nothing and pretending it’s something, we must consider the reasonableness of this current past time. So let us first consider religion. What is it?

A religion is the rituals and doctrines of a faith claimed to be divinely inspired. In the Abrahamaic tradition, religion emanates from God, as does the entire fabric of creation. Clearly, in this tradition, God is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent – all knowing, ever present, and invincible. Religion is supposed to allow mankind to appreciate, be guided by, and approach God in a proper way. In doing so, adherents are supposed to live just, generous, and kind lives. That is why the Abrahamaic faiths of Judaism, Christianity and Islam resonate the same fundamental message – justice, humility and piety.

As much as religion inspires one to a way of life among mankind, it is borne out of each person’s personal nexus and conviction with God. It is this latter aspect that makes the question of religion no one else’s business except your own.

The former aspect of communality, however, does not mean that one human being is entitled to judge over the religiosity of another human being; instead, the relationship faithful adherents should have to one another should be governed by a respectful humility.

The humility stems from the fact that God knows more than humans. So for another human being to make a pronouncement on matters reserved for God (such as another’s religiosity) would be to try and assume God’s role. That, as one can readily appreciate, is blasphemy.

Since the foundations of religions are rooted in the divine, there is no question of needing to defend a religion. And how is a mere human supposed to protect the product of the most powerful force in existence? So the suggestion of “protecting religion” actually implies that God is incapable of protecting it on His own. It could also imply that God doesn’t care about His own religion enough to bother protecting it.

Both these inherently implicit inferences indicate just how lowly politicians think of God when they lay claim to defending His religion. So these politicians actually think little of God and very highly of themselves. In fact these politicians in truth think themselves a god. How else can you psychologically explain a human being that seeks to defend God?

So the answer to the question is “yes” – religions need to be defended, but only against politicians, because they fancy themselves as gods.

Lord Bobo, I recall being told in school that giving my nose a good dig during Ramadan means I will “batal puasa”. No one has been able to give me a conclusive answer on this. Help? Gold Digger, via email

WOW. What a question. His Supreme Eminenceness must admit that we were momentarily stumped by this outrageous, though seemingly simple, query.

Following consultations with various minions, imam, Syariah lawyers, religious gurus and pasar Ramadan stall operators, we are no closer to knowing the answer.

Everyone sort of agrees that it has something to do with “intent” – whether one “intentionally” stuck one’s finger up one’s nasal cavity. Which really doesn’t help with making it any less of a grey (or brown, depending on the kind of air you’ve been breathing) area really.

During the discussions, various other conundrums also came up – what if one is sitting at one’s office desk at 11am, and a piece of bread from breakfast dislodges itself from one’s teeth? Is one allowed to swallow the said piece of bread? Baffling.
In conclusion, who cares? Stop digging your nose anyway – it’s a filthy habit, for goodness sake.




 

 

 Selangor Times

 

 

Also by Lord Bobo:

MCMC Unfrees Malaysia Today, and Elections Yay!

Have a question for Lord Bobo? Call on His Supreme Eminenceness by emailing asklordbobo@loyarburok.com, stating your full name, and a pseudonym (if you want), or tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo. What the hell are you waiting for? Hear This, and Tremblingly Obey. Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit! 

10 reasons to vote

Have a question for Lord Bobo? Call on His Supreme Eminenceness by emailing asklordbobo@loyarburok.com, stating your full name, and a pseudonym (if you want), or tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo. What the hell are you waiting for? Hear This, and Tremblingly Obey. Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit! 

No apologies, craving burgers and steaks

IS Shahrizat right to say she has nothing to apologise for? (Hardest Word, via email)

Excitement of the Malaysian Bar AGM and patriotism

Have a question for Lord Bobo? Call on His Supreme Eminenceness by emailing asklordbobo@loyarburok.com, stating your full name, and a pseudonym (if you want), or tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo. What the hell are you waiting for? Hear This, and Tremblingly Obey. Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit! 

Sultan’s absolute power, and PR’s manifesto

Have a question for Lord Bobo? Call on His Supreme Eminenceness by emailing asklordbobo@loyarburok.com, stating your full name, and a pseudonym (if you want), or tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo. What the hell are you waiting for? Hear This, and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)! Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit! 

True Malaysians and the lowdown on Lahad Datu

Ask Lord Bobo is a weekly column by LoyarBurok (www.loyarburok.com) where all your profound, abstruse, erudite, hermetic, recondite, sagacious, and other thaesaurus-described queries are answered!

This is what democracy means

Have a question for Lord Bobo? Call on His Supreme Eminenceness by emailing asklordbobo@loyarburok.com, stating your full name, and a pseudonym (if you want), or tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo. What the hell are you waiting for? Hear This, and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)! Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit! 

Smartphones and dumb politicians

Have a question for Lord Bobo? Call on His Supreme Eminenceness by emailing asklordbobo@loyarburok.com, stating your full name, and a pseudonym (if you want), or tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo. What the hell are you waiting for? Hear This, and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)! Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit! 

#KL112 – Well done, PDRM

Have a question for Lord Bobo? Call on His Supreme Eminenceness by emailing asklordbobo@loyarburok.com, stating your full name, and a pseudonym (if you want), or tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo. What the hell are you waiting for? Hear This, and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)! Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit! 

Rally or riot, and Ubah Rocket Style!

Have a question for Lord Bobo? Call on His Supreme Eminenceness by emailing asklordbobo@loyarburok.com, stating your full name, and a pseudonym (if you want), or tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo. What the hell are you waiting for? Hear This, and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)! Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit! 

Show me your assets!

Have a question for Lord Bobo? Call on His Supreme Eminenceness by emailing asklordbobo@loyarburok.com, stating your full name, and a pseudonym (if you want), or tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo. What the hell are you waiting for? Hear This, and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)! Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit! 

Hudud, Rosmah and Bumi conditions

 

Dear Lord Bobo – on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “definitely not” and 10 being “definitely yes” – how likely do you think it is that hudud will be implemented nationwide if Pakatan Rakyat and PAS come to power? (Unisex Hair Salon, via email)

 

Lynas, Bung-isms, and media bias

Have a question for Lord Bobo? Call on His Supreme Eminenceness by emailing asklordbobo@loyarburok.com, stating your full name, and a pseudonym (if you want), or tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo. What the hell are you waiting for? Hear This, and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)! Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit! 

Asean Declaration (or Limitation?) of Human Rights

LORD Bobo, does the signing of the Asean Declaration of Human Rights recently mean that the fight for human rights in Malaysia is over, and Lord Bobo has won? What does LoyarBurok plan to do now? Tech reviews? (Right to Fight, via email)

Of frogs, rats and anti-hopping law

 

Lord Bobo, what do you think of Penang’s new anti-hopping law? Is it constitutional? (Ribbit, via email)

 

UN Award for Bar and More Merchandise?

Lord Bobo. What is the United Nations Malaysia Award and why the heck did the meddlesome Bar Council get it? (Perkasasourkana, by email)

 

Of companies and going bankrupt

Have a question for Lord Bobo? Call on His Supreme Eminenceness by emailing asklordbobo@loyarburok.com, stating your full name, and a pseudonym (if you want), or tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo. What the hell are you waiting for? Hear This, and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)! Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit! 

Malaysiakini 1 Irrational Home Minister 0

Dear Lord Bobo, I read that Malaysiakini won a court case and they can now publish a newspaper. Why is this important? How come Selangor Times has no problem? And what’s the big deal – who reads print anymore, anyway? News Junkie, via email

Dead grateful to your government?

Have a question for Lord Bobo? Call on His Supreme Eminenceness by emailing asklordbobo@loyarburok.com, stating your full name, and a pseudonym (if you want), or tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo. What the hell are you waiting for? Hear This, and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)! Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit!

Shamelessly amateurish government propaganda

Dear Lord Bobo, what is the fuss about NGOs in Malaysia receiving funds from foundations like the National Endowment for Democracy (NED) and Open Society Institute (OSI)? I love my country. Is it true that these NGOs are planning to overthrow our government? (Jaguh Kampung, via email)

Strip searching the Home Minister and Police

Have a question for Lord Bobo? Call on His Supreme Eminenceness by emailing asklordbobo@loyarburok.com, stating your full name, and a pseudonym (if you want), or tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo. What the hell are you waiting for? Hear This, and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)! Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit!

Crimes of photo-stomping and plagiarism

Dear Lord Bobo, I read that the 19-year old girl who surrendered herself to Johor police after she stepped on a photo of the prime minister was handcuffed. This seems harsh. However, KL police chief DCP Datuk Mohmad Salleh says police were just following the Criminal Procedure Code. Is this correct? Shackled, via email

Smart people entering politics, and Lord Bobo on Earth

Ask Lord Bobo is a weekly column by LoyarBurok (www.loyarburok.com) where all your profound, abstruse, erudite, hermetic, recondite, sagacious, and other thaesaurus-described queries are answered!

#Stop114A #Yes114A and banning books

Strange Olympics, Selective Prosecution

Dear Lord Bobo, what do you think of this human event called the Olympics? Go for Gold, via email

Who’s in charge after Parliament is dissolved?

Dear Lord Bobo, last week you said Parliament would automatically dissolve five years from the date of its first meeting, an election would have to be held 60 days after that, and Parliament must reconvene within 120 days of dissolution. But who would be the government of the country during that time? And who is supposed to conduct the election? What if the EC  does not do its job? Indelible Human, via email

Seeking public opinion doesn’t mean better laws

Dear Lord Bobo, I read that government departments and agencies must now seek public opinion before proposing draft amendments to existing laws or introducing new Bills. Does this mean that we will now get better laws? I Didn’t Shoot the Deputy, via email

Commissioning oaths and complaining about lawyers

Lord Bobo, what is a “commissioner for oaths”? It sounds very grand but I understand that all they do is sign photocopies of documents to make them certified true copies. What else do these commissioners do? I’m considering my career options, and looking for a career involving monotonous tasks that I can attend to in between writing poetry, and bring in a steady income stream. Walt Whitman, via email

German footballers, obsolete lawyers, and crime perception

Dear Lord Bobo, what is it about Germans that they always seem to do well in international football tournaments? It’s genetics, isn’t it? What chance does Malaysia have? PK, via email

Football Fever MCs, and Election Date Prediction!

Dear Lord Bobo, I head the Human Resources Department at the Malaysian office of a multinational company. I’ve been instructed by the Regional Head to clamp down on people who slack on their work due to watching too much football now that the European Championships are on. Whilst I understand that our offices in Europe and Hong Kong have issued warning notices and the like, is this possible in Malaysia? Any practical advice would be greatly appreciated. Bad Cop, via email

Campaigning for Robots

Dear Lord Bobo, by law, what is the campaigning period in the lead-up to the General Elections? SK Chan, via email

Sacked for attending Bersih rally?

I went to Bersih 3.0. But my boss saw my photo on Facebook and was very upset, as many of our clients are affiliated to the current Government. He called a department meeting and warned all of us that we cannot take part in such rallies in future, and says he is considering sacking me if we lose any clients over the next couple of months. I cannot afford to lose my job, as I have a family to support. Can he lawfully sack me? A Worker, via email

Fallacies Spun by Critics of the Bar

The Bar Council and the Malaysian Bar (the Bar) have been criticised recently as being pro-Opposition. This is because of the Bar’s press statements and its extraordinary general meeting resolution regarding the police brutality shown at the Bersih 3.0 sit-down rally.

Roger Tan replies to Loyarburok

I knew this was coming because as I said, it would be painful for some lawyers to read what I wrote in Unswayed by fear or favour’ last Sunday in The Sunday Star. I am indeed not wrong with my prognostication.

Of lawyers, protests and burgers

So Lord Bobo. Those darn Malaysian lawyers are at it again, I hear. A small minority of them went against the Will of the Majority, and their Bar Council passed a resolution condemning our hardworking boys in blue. Surely, the Bar Council must now register as a political party? Bemused Accountant, by email

More Than Nayati, and Unpatriotic Irene Fernandez?

Lord Bobo, it’s such a relief that Nayati Moodliar was found, but is it only children of a certain background, or who can trigger a media campaign that will be found? (Praying For The Lost, via email)

Bersih headache, and minimum wage

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No Erections Please, We’re DBKL

Dear Lord Bobo, is “Occupy Dataran” (or Bersih 3.0) breaking any laws by converging to sit at Dataran Merdeka? If so, which ones? (Rulebook, via email)

Seriously, corruption and evidence?

Dear Lord Bobo, a former Sime Darby GM was sentenced to 27 years’ jail for corruption. Is this a sure sign that the justice system is finally taking corruption seriously? Credit Where Due, via email

Dissolving the Selangor DUN, and Bersih again?

Dear Lord Bobo, looks like there will be a Bersih 3.0 on April 28. Aren’t all these public assemblies kinda boring already? Meh, via email

EO Trio : The Journey Home

Lord Bobo has yet to return from his inter-galactic travels. LoyarBurok instead wraps up the story previously found in the 29th edition of Selangor Times entitled “The Long Struggle for Trial” where Gan Pei Ling wrote about Arif, Rafe and Ramadhan – three boys who were “banished” for allegedly being involved in a stolen motorcycle gang. They were recently released from their restriction orders.

Damned If You Badu

Lord Bobo, what do you make of the Erykah Badu concert cancellation? Surely we cannot allow foreigners cavorting with “Allah” tattoos to perform here, right? If it had been allowed, we may well have seen riots and pure chaos.

Inter-religious competition and anti-trust?

Lord Bobo, do you think that Malaysians need guidelines for inter-faith relations? In Faith, via email

Exciting Malaysia, and Biased LoyarBurok?

There’s never a dull moment in Malaysia, is there? Every single day we get drama, comedy, deception, intrigue, sex, accusations, and scandal – and that’s only in the first five pages of the newspaper! Sandiwara, via email

Najib vs Malaysia, 1Care and Defamation

I read that the Prime Minister has threatened to unleash the forces of darkness on anyone who dares make trouble. Should I be afraid? Che Banana, via email

The peculiar case of Anwar's acquittal

Was Anwar acquitted because of a “special phone call to the judge”? Telekom, via email

Lawyers, Taxis and Anwar

I have a question that’s been puzzling me for a long time. Do lawyers really believe in their client’s innocence? If they don’t, will they refuse to take on a case, or is it their duty to defend anyone, whether or not they think they are innocent or guilty? Jimmy Liew, via email

Fighting for the rights of overseas voters

Dear Lord Bobo, what is #MOV that @PusatRakyatLB has been tweeting about? Something about an overseas voters’ case? Is it important? (Exiled Malaysian, via email)

Lord Bobo’s predictions for 2012

Dear Lord Bobo, as 2012 is almost upon us, can you look into your magic crystal ball and share some predictions for the coming year? Nostrildamus, via email

Floods – of tears and rainwater

Looking at the images and videos of North Koreans sobbing uncontrollably and emotionally banging the floor in disbelief at the death of Kim Jong Il, I can’t help but wonder how they can be so sad that such a bizarre and evil man died. Can you explain this? Voice of Reason, via email

Backing the accused

Dear Lord Bobo, when did “carnal intercourse against the order of nature” enter Malaysia’s Penal Code? Is it an archaic law? @adriene, via Twitter

Walk For Freedom – A waste of time?

Dear Lord Bobo – So the lawyers walked, but the Peaceful Assembly Bill was passed a few hours later anyway. Is it guaranteed to become law now? If so, wasn’t the walk just a waste of time?

Shopping, hoping and missing

I read that the goods in Kedai Rakyat 1Malaysia aren’t really cheaper than some hypermarkets. Which led me to wonder, where does Lord Bobo do his shopping? Hassan Jaffar, via email

Missing Bobo, and the UKM4

Lord Bobo. I’ve been reading a lot about this UUCA UKM4 thing. What’s the big deal? Is my life as a university student going to get better? Will I pass my exams more easily?

Contempt for politicians?

Dear Lord Bobo, I live in PJ, and my neighbours are always going on and on about how the area is so much “better” to live in since BN is no longer in charge. To be honest, I don’t see much of a difference. Is it just psychological? Unconvinced, via email

Judicially reviewing New Kamasutra

Dear Lord Bobo, what’s a judicial review? Is it reviewing the judiciary? Also, can a judicial review be reviewed? What’s that called? Rearviewmirror, via email

Budget thingamajiggy analysis and Nasi Lemak 2.0

Lord Bobo, in the wake of the Budget 2012 announcement, many of my friends were complaining on Facebook, Twitter, and at the mamak during breakfast that the Budget ignored the middle-class rakyat. For all the pre-Budget speculation, we didn’t receive any help to counter the problem of escalating cost-of-living expenses, or the fact that it’s almost impossible to buy a home without selling your soul to a bank for the next 30 years. Why were we forsaken? Ignored, via email

ISA deceptions and budget goodies

Can you please explain the mechanism for repealing the ISA in Parliament as well as the replacement of it by the two new laws? What kind of majority is required to carry the motion, and what are its implications in view of the current composition of Parliament? Keep up the good work! I never miss your column in Selangor Times each week! Loyarbochor, via email

Santa Najib's ISA gift, and sucky Bosses

Lord Bobo, what is your view of the Prime Minister's "gift to the nation" in his big announcement on the eve of Malaysia Day? Fear No More, via email

Bodyguards, 
tortes (and torts), and tips

My ambition is to be the personal bodyguard of a politician. Can you tell me if this move will take me to higher places? Ahmad “Tank” Saifuddin, via email

Volcanoes, lawsuits, airlines and the apocalypse

Lord Bobo, I’ve been seeing some interesting graffiti around KL. What’s a “volcano massage”? Avid Reader, via email

Laziness, naughty students and patriots

Dear Lord Bobo, why is my Member of Parliament so slow in fixing that clogged drain in front of my house and the broken row of lamp posts by the community hall? Is he sleeping on the job or what?! @Unhappy Monkey, via email

Thorns and thorny issues

Dear Lord Bobo, my nose is falling apart. It’s been suffering so much lately. First there was the teargas. After that, acrid haze. When that cleared, all I smell is durians everywhere! Are you a fan of durians? @I Smell, Therefore I Am, via email

Twitter, silat and a certain July 9 rally

Dear Lord Bobo, with all the news and noise coming out following July 9, how do I know who to believe? @Kon Fee Yusd, via email

How protests made me 
a Malaysian

As Lord Bobo’s minions busy themselves bailing people out, we interrupt our usual Ask Lord Bobo column to attempt to answer a crucial question: Is living in fear the Malaysian way of life?

The qualities of a lawyer, and why vote?

Is my biggest dream become lawyer. How should I do become good lawyer practise? But no need is famous. Tanks you. @Fengtau_2901, by email

100 apologies, power, and the hardest question

Looking at what happened with @fahmi_fadzil and Blu Inc, do all Tweeters now need to be extra careful about what they say on Twitter? Can someone really get into a lot of trouble for tweeting allegedly defamatory comments about another party? What does the law provide? @Angie Ng, via email

Presumptions and Malaysia, a Jedi nation?

Dear Lord Bobo, what is a presumption of innocence? Is it truly applicable in Malaysia? @christan_yh, via Twitter

Scandals, property, contracts and iPad 2

Why is it that the “most-read” articles on Malaysian online news sites are always either about gossip, sex scandals, or other frivolous issues? @Regina S, via email

Emergencies, politics, freedom, and Osama

Dear Lord Bobo, what is the effect of the five emergency declarations that have not been abrogated? @izmil_amri, via Twitter

1Malaysia email and squandered money

Dear Lord Bobo, what do you think of the proposed “1Malaysia email”? @SSharmila1076, via Twitter

Party whipping can be more meaningful

Dear Lord Bobo, what political ideology do you most identify with? @adriene, via Twitter

Free and fair elections?

Seriously, will we ever have a free and fair election focusing on bread and butter issues for once? @firdaus_h via Twitter.

Blacklisting gutter politics

What do you think about our country’s current situation, and where it is heading? @abbyshahrin, via Twitter

Casting votes for Lord Bobo to lead Malaysia?

Dear Supreme Being, when I vote in the next general election, do I vote based on person, party, or policy? How to decide? @izmil_amri, via Twitter

 

 

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